So, I haven't updated in a couple of weeks - I was off in different countries, looking in shops at clothes that I couldn't and cannot afford (I have under a tenner in my bank account, shoot me now) - but in that time, I got my first comment! And this was called "mindless drivel"! Sweet. In case you've not read Kerrang! for the past two weeks, let me be the first to say that I hope that this Iron-Maiden-erection-thing that I've noticed in the pages of the magazine for the past month or so is over. We get it already. They've been around for ages and play cricket grounds. Yadda yadda yadda. On with #1221.1. SOME ROCK STARS ARE MASSIVE GEEKS WHEN THEY'RE NOT BEING ROCK STARS (p. 25)
Turns out that after System Of A Down went on hiatus, drummer John Dolmayan (currently playing for fellow SOAD'er Daron Malakian's Scars On Broadway) started putting his energy into Torpedo Comics, a comic and memorabilia store that sells comics for as little as 99 cents. In a world where I normally spend up to £15 a month on my must-have titles, that's a pretty frakking admirable side-hustle. One thing, though - $6 for ish one of last year's Runaways/Young Avengers crossover? Dude, I spent £2.50 on that shit sandwich. Exchange rates or no, there's no excuse.
2. HUH? JUSTIN HAWKINS? (p. 8)
Like a K! scribe wrote in a recent review of Stone Gods' recent debut album, it's hard to remember that The Darkness were once the biggest rock band in Britain. Remember the meteoric rise, with that ridiculous performance at the Brit Awards where Justin Hawkins played a guitar solo as a massive platform ascended towards the ceiling of the London Arena's building? (Serious.) What about those Christmas shows where Justin Hawkins played the solo to "Love on the Rocks with No Ice" over the audience's heads for fifteen minutes perched upon a giant green tiger wearing a Santa outfit? (No, no, this actually happened. I have proof somewhere if needed.) If you haven't figured it out yet, most of the band's ridiculous moments have to do with Justin Hawkins, the band's guitar virtuoso/falsetto-loving/catsuit-wearing frontman. And they were probably thought up when he was on coke. Funny, that.
See, now, while the world has moved on from The Darkness and, by extension, Hawkins, the man is back with his new band Hot Leg. Says Hawkins: "[Hot Leg] is basically a more intense version of The Darkness... a little more progressive... more flamboyant at times. It's got a bit of oomph!" Now, fair enough, but is it actually possible that you can be anymore flamboyant than THIS PICTURE? Have a listen to Hot Leg's "Heroes" underneath:
Good luck to the dude, but I'm just gonna stick with funnier, older songs about catching genital warts.
3. BATTLES = INDESCRIBABLE (p. 19)
Another week where the mighty Battles are mentioned within the pages of K! and even though these guys don't really deserve any more press than they're already getting, it's refreshing to see the magazine praising them. So while I can hold fast hope for a Tyondai Braxton cover for the yearly "punk" rport (do they still do that?), I'll just make fun of David McLaughlin's description of the band as "robocore". Really? Robots? Do they sound core-ish at all? Robots? I'm just being dickish for the sake of being dickish - even after all the time I've spent listening to "Mirrors" I've found it hard as fuck to describe the band to friends. (My favourite one: "They're like a puzzle, but every time you listen to them, you find another piece! Yeah? Right?") And no disrespect to robots either - I mean, I dig Cylon and Garfunkel big time.
4. I CAN'T FIND A NICE THING TO SAY ABOUT GLAMOUR OF THE KILL (p. 28)
The lead singer's called Davey Death. I'm sorry. Here, have a song that he likes.
5. DELUSION COMES WITH A FEW MILLION SOLD... (p. 43)
...and a clothing line, a deal with one of the biggest major labels/congloromates in the world, a tour with respawning cockroaches of cack cock'n'roll Buckcherry, an MTV Video Music Award, and the seeming ability to have their biggest single appear on every EA Games title from now until the end of the universe. Quoth Avenged Sevenfold frontman M Shadows: "We're still very much an underground band." Cough. Cough.
...cough.
[Off-topic I know (like that ever stopped me), but does anybody else miss Lost being on the telly as much as I do? Seriously, how good was that finale? Don't you all just want to get Desmond Hume tattoos with "BE MY CONSTANT" in massive pink letters underneath? Anybody?]
6. MY FANDOM WAS ALL JUST A LIE (p. 54)
"Everybody had sort of grown into their own worlds and it wasn't a band anymore. It was business. [...] Working in a studio is always frustrating: it was always frustrating with Fred [Durst, vox]. You have to understand basically it's being around somebody that you can't stand, literally, whose existance makes your skin crawl. [...] I was thinking 'How am I going to salvage the integirty of what I wroked on yesterday? Fred's going to come in and tear it apart, and probably trash it'." ~Wes Borland on being in Limp Bizkit during the recording of "Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavoured Water"
Okay, we all knew that Mr Borland was the odd one out in Limp Bizkit when he was still in the band - look at any of these pictures for a reminder - but I personally didn't think it was as bad as him despising Fred Durst as much as the rest of the world. On a massive nostalgia trip recently, me and my best friend got into an in-depth conversation about the merits of Limp Bizkit (they were my favourite band once! I liked "Results May Vary", dammit!) and how Wes returned to the band for "The Unquestionable Truth, Part One". My friend thinks he did it JUST TO FUCK WITH FRED DURST. Which, er, makes sense. He did, after all, end up writing "The Priest" (seriously, if you don't read this, you're missing out).
7. I READ A REALLY INSENSITIVE MAGAZINE (p. 63)
K! says of Johnny Truant's upcoming minitour that "missing these shows is really the dumbest thing you'll do this year". Well, I missed them on the 27th in Glasgow because I was broke! So fuck you, Kerrang!
8. ALICE COOPER KNOWS REALLY FAMOUS PEOPLE (p. 11)
In this week's issue, Messer Cooper counts down his top five celebrity golfers: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Sly Stallone, Meat Loaf, Kevin Costner and, best of all, Kenny G (not to be mistaken with Kevin G, the rapper). "I don't want some little jazz saxophone player beating me, but he;s incredibly good! He's really, really hard to beat," divulges Alice, taking a short break from hanging out with Ronnie Corbett.
9. GUYLINER AND EXCESSIVE USE OF STRAIGHTENERS THREAT TO MOTHER RUSSIA (p. 12)
ps. Here's a Russian metalcore band! It's not very good but it's the best I could find after three hours of searches!
10. CRAIG OWENS ATTEMPTS SUICIDE (p. 8)
Okay, no snarky comments here. Craig Owens is the vocalist for US post-hardcore guys Chiodos and he is currently recovering from an attempt on his own life. Quoth the man from his online journal:
"On Sunday, July 20th, I attempted to overdose on prescribed Xanax at my home here in Michigan. Flash ahead 12 hours later, I woke up in the emergency room surrounded by my family and best friends, with an IV in my left arm, and hooked up to machines. [...] After being admitted to the hospital for a couple of days, I made my way to recovery and built up enough strength and courage with the support of my loved ones enough to make it back home. [...] I’m looking towards the future and have been blinded by the brightness of it. After taking care of myself over the past few days, and talking through this situation with my family, friends, and managers, I am committed to creating only positive actions out of the deepest and darkest low I have found myself in with this."
That's heavy stuff. According to K!, Owens has checked into a mental health facility even though Owens' own journal entries seem to contradict these claims - he insists that his band will not cancel any of their shows. Either way, the best of luck to him in his recovery.
So, erm, it's three in the morning. I'm out. New Misery Signals fucking rips, by the way.
